This past weekend can best be described by the title of this entry: a whirlwind. Saturday morning approached much too quickly after my returning home from all my summer traveling only a few days earlier. I forced myself out of bed and left shortly after 7:30 am. Many hours of driving later, I met a friend from my first year at RBC for coffee at 2:00. Around 4:00 I attended Jason & Lydia Yoder's wedding. It was a beautiful wedding. I am so happy for them both! Around 7:00 I headed down toward Columbus where I spent the evening at a friend's house. The next morning I was up bright and early to babysit for my friends while they went to worship practice. I gave a ten minute presentation about Kenya that morning (ten minutes is simply much too short. I felt like I couldn't even scratch the surface of my time there). The message that morning was about mercy - how God shows us mercy and how we are called to extend that same mercy to those around us. It was a good message and something that I need to apply to many relationships in my life right now. After church my old small group was going out to lunch at a pizzeria and they invited me along. I enjoyed hanging out with them all and getting to spend some time with them. I miss them! Around 2:00 I headed toward Indy. I had a good conversation with Jody along the way and that was challenging and encouraging. That evening Beka & Thomas and I went out to dinner (Applebee's - yum!) and we walked around downtown Indy to try and work off the food that was sitting in our stomachs. This morning I drove down to home and here I sit. I've spent some time praying today. I've also spent some time meditating on Scripture (not as much as I should). I've worked on going through some of my stuff that is dumped in this room. There is so much to go through. There is so much to figure out what to do with. I suppose I should get a box and box some more of it up.

It's looking like the next several years of my life are going to continue to be a transition stage. I wish I was moving into an apartment or house for a long period of time and could unpack all the things I have sitting in boxes. Instead, I'm going to be spending a year somewhere (probably FL) and then off to school for two more years. Before all that begins next month, I need to finish going through the stuff I have here in this room. I then need to go through all my boxes in my storage unit and consolidate and label things that I will need in the coming years and put the rest (kitchen supplies, linens, etc.) into long-term storage. It seems like a big job. It never quite ends. That and random jobs around the house here will keep me fairly busy for the next month I have a feeling. Come the end of September, I will have decided for sure whether I will reside in IN or FL and I will be looking for a full-time job for the year. Please be praying for me over the next month as I make decisions.

I really want to be where God is leading me. Some people hold to the belief that there is one specific thing that God has for me. Other people believe that there are a host of good choices that God is letting me choose from. I'm not sure which I think. I kind of hope it's the latter. It would take a lot of the pressure off. As long as I'm continuing to seek His face and choosing options that are in keeping with being a faithful follower of Christ, then I can't go wrong.

I've started thinking again recently how maybe I'm taking life just a tad bit too seriously. I came to this conclusion in Africa, but in the hustle and bustle of American life, it's crept back into my mindset. Yes, this is life. Yes, it is important. Yes, I want to do my best to follow Christ and do the work He has called me to. However, if I make a mistake it is not the end of the world. If someone laughs at me or thinks I'm a little ridiculous, my world is not going to crash in on me. I feel this constant pressure on me to be performing and to be perfect. I can't be perfect. I'm going to try to do the best that I can for Christ, but perfection is beyond my grasp. And honestly, when I'm aiming to be perfect here on earth, it's not Christ I have in mind - I want to please others. So I need to let that go.

Also, when I really stop and think about all that I need to do and accomplish, I realize it's kind of silly. Yes, I need to be responsible. I need to be able to provide for myself and be an adult and take care of myself and housework. But I get so uptight thinking about this and that and all I need to do. All of a sudden, I'm just adding things to do simply to stay busy. I need to re-learn how to simply exist sometimes. I need to find the beauty and the joy in the moment and the journey - not the future and end goal. What I have accomplished in worldly standards is not going to matter come the end of this life. What I have accomplished for Christ is going to matter. And Christ doesn't necessarily have a long list of tasks that He wants me to accomplish before this year is out. I think He has a long list of people that I should invest in and cherish and a long list of tests and calls to obedience. That's different, though, and that's good. I want to keep my eyes open for those and not get distracted by my worldly to do list.

We go round and round
Back and forth and almost upside down
To buy who we are -
A great big house, nice jeans, and a shiny car
But I'm learning that this world keeps turning
with or without me
So I'll do my best and leave the rest
to the one watching over me

Because I'm Alright
Trouble may find me
but it's not gonna keep me down
'Cause I'll hold on tight
To the Father who loves me
and likes having me around
'Cause He loves me, and He cares for me,
And so I'll be alright

- I'm Alright by FFH

Link: http://beanblossomcreations.com/britt/blog2.php

My new blog, Walking by Faith, is up and running. It's my goal to update daily, although they usually will probably not be as long as this evening's entry. Check it out, and please feel free to leave comments.

Newly arrived: a lighthearted post that will cover some of the things that make me happy and bring a smile to my face as of late. They are in no particular order. Enjoy.

• Country music
• Driving back roads with the windows down
• Long conversations with a good friend
• God's provision
• Goya Jamaican Ginger Beer (non-alcoholic, like root beer) that tastes like Stoney Tangawizi
• Doing laundry - especially pulling out the dryer lint!
• My big "smart water" water bottle that I'm reusing for some reason
• Strong Ethiopian Coffee
• Netflix
• Watching Jack Bauer (24) with the parents
• Taco Bell bean burritos
• Scalding hot showers
• My birthday weekend
• Caedmons Call
• Alphabetizing my CDs (yes, I'm a nerd)
• My wireless computer mouse
• HTML (nerd again)
• Avocados
• Soft Pretzels
• Lima Beans
• The Office (Season five comes out on DVD soon!)
• Having Mocha (my dog) home

Without the hope of Christ in my life, I think life would be insufferably depressing.

I was thinking a lot yesterday about where my life is headed. Where am I going? I feel like I'm aimlessly wandering. That has been the theme of my summer, and I think it's okay. I've used the summer to travel and enjoy time with friends and family. Summer has come to an end. I'm exhausted and I'm confused. I know nothing about finding a job. All my other jobs have more or less fallen into my lap. I'm a hard worker and I have no doubt that I can succeed at whatever I put my mind to. It's just a matter of finding the right job and making sure I'm not doing things on my own power - but relying on the guiding of the Holy Spirit.

Real life is so different from what I have experienced. Real life is tied down. I can't pick up and go visit friends whenever I want. Real life has many responsibilities. Bills and chores and the pressure to make sure things happen. I've experienced all of this, but never full-blown, full-time. I know I can make it, it just seems like an awful lot right now.

I have so many decisions to make this month. Where to live: FL or IN? Where to work? Where to go to school next fall? How do I use my money wisely? How do I balance between saving my money and still enjoying experiences? How will I spend my free time?

I need to set some goals about spending time with God. I've been doing a lot of praying recently, but spending time in the Word and listening for God's voice has been sporadic at best. I really, really want to be where God wants me to be and I want to be a faithful follower of Christ. I've been playing with the idea of starting up another blog where I will make it a goal to reflect daily about what I'm reading in Scripture and what God is revealing to me. I think it would be good because it would add accountability and motivation for me to spend time in the Word. It sounds terrible to say that I need motivation, but I suppose that's what accountability is anyway - a form of motivation to make sure things happen. So, be looking for that in the near future. I'm sure some entries will be long, and others will be short. My goal is simply to make sure that I open my Bible each day. If along the way, others can be encouraged or challenged by my reflections, then that's awesome.

Africa has continued to be on my mind frequently. I've been sorting through my pictures in order to make a photo book and print off pictures for scrap booking. I know I'm idealizing things, but I miss that place. I want to go back. The question is: Does God want me to go back? Why has Africa been on my heart so much recently? Am I supposed to raise money to send over to help people? Am I supposed to go back to encourage people? Am I supposed to go back long term? I don't know. I keep thinking that I'm just not cut out for long term living in another country. What if I'm wrong? I suppose God will make things clear in the years to come.

I think I might be perpetually cold for the rest of my life. It was in the upper eighties yesterday and I was walking around with a sweatshirt on and barely sweating... Oh, Africa.

Africa seems to be constantly on my mind as of late. I'm doing something that I haven't done since the first day or so that I was home - I'm calculating the time difference. I find myself sitting here, counting the seven hour difference, and imagining what Prudey and Joel are doing. I wish I could magically show up in their compound and give them both big hugs. I'd chase Joel and make faces with him and sing some songs with Prudey. Lots and lots of hugs. I miss sitting out at night and looking at the stars while they fall asleep on our laps or in the chairs beside us. I miss walking them to bed. I miss Benson's laugh. I miss dear little Fibi and her trying to pick off my freckles. I even miss it when all the African women started picking off my peeling, sunburnt skin. I've had a sunburn the past several days. My ears peeled yesterday - oh they would have loved that.

I miss being hot! Who would have thought? But I do! I miss fresh, cheap avocados. I even miss mangoes! I miss the constant greetings and smiles. I miss the beautiful, Kenyan accent and learning how to communicate with people who don't speak flawless English. I miss watching Man U games with people in Gulu, Uganda. I miss people: Negash, Sunday, Solo, Max, Maselin, Esther (all of them!), Silas, Gilbert, Rose... I miss my teammates.

I miss public transportation (even if you do basically sit on top of each other). I miss the semi-cheesy and very loud music that was always blasting from the matatus. I miss throwing my trash on the ground (which is a very terrible thing to miss, but I still have to make a conscious effort to not do so here in the states, two and a half months later). I MISS STONEY TANGAWIZI! I miss njera. I kind of miss walking (not as much as we did, but around town and stuff). I miss Salama Hotel. I miss Napa (grocery store). I miss Napetet and Nakwamakwi (villages). I miss seeing people in traditional dress.

I want to go back. I desperately want to go back. I know I'm idealizing things, but I still want to go back. Not to stay, but to visit, and to encourage. Maybe someday.

I just hate it when you wake up and you feel like you have a cloud hanging over you. Doubt and fear and anxiety weigh you down before you even set foot out of bed. There is no apparent reason for it, but simply a terrible feeling that it isn't going to be okay. It makes you want to roll over and go back to sleep. All you want to do is hide.

That's how I felt this morning. I don't know why. Everything in my life was settling so heavy on my heart. I did not want to get up and I did not want to face the day ahead. I laid there for nearly an hour struggling with my feelings and trying to convince myself to snap out of it. Surprise, surprise, nothing changed until I took it to God. I don't know why I waited so long. I laid there and prayed for quite awhile. I laid everything before Christ and asked Him to search my heart and remove everything that wasn't of Him. I asked His Holy Spirit to fill me up and move in me without any hindrance from me.

It didn't all go away, but it was drastically better. I think the timing is interesting. I had an amazing conversation with my Dad yesterday where we were able to talk about life. We were able to disagree and work through it in a healthy way instead of just letting the arguments sit and fester between us. I was so happy. Then last night Ashley took me to the young adult church service at her church and it was like God was speaking directly to me. My soul was encouraged and challenged and I was on fire!

This morning I wake up and can't even convince myself to get out of bed. What is going on? Praying helped things a lot. Is it a spiritual attack? I would be willing to bet that's part of it. God and I have been doing really well recently. I can't imagine that Satan is overly happy about the progress. A fire is burning in my heart for Jesus and I am making decisions and taking a stand where I have been unable/unwilling to for quite awhile. It's about time that things get difficult again, that the enemy tries to slow me down and drag me back.

Consumed my mind distracted all the time.
I cant figure out this world of lies.
She walks into her mind of aggravation.
She looks into the eyes of empty sad frustration.
Now I'm wandering around and I wanna be found,
but I don't wanna lose my sight.
I'm blind, I'm losing my mind, I'm getting behind,
it all keeps bringing me down.

And I live for you tonight.
And I'll live for the rest of my life.

Consumed your mind distracted all the time.
you cant figure out this world of lies.
Now your wandering around and you wanna be found,
but you don't wanna lose your sight.
your blind, your losing your mind, your getting behind,
it all keeps bringing you down.

I say, not now, you cannot bring me down
I won't lose this time,
It's time to draw the line,

And I live for you tonight.
And I'll live for the rest of my life.
And I live for you tonight.
And I'll live for the rest of my life.

That's a song that I listened to a lot when I was sixteen and way into Everyday Sunday. It's a song that encouraged me today. I am not going to let Satan bring me down - not now. I won't lose - I'm drawing a line. I will live for Christ - today, tonight, and for the rest of my life. Trials may come and storms may knock me to my knees, but I'm never going to quit holding onto the Truth.

Have you ever noticed how when things start to go wrong or become stressful, it seems like not just one thing starts going haywire, but multiple things? Why is that? Is it because everything really is spinning out of control, or is it because our stress level rises and makes everything seem worse than it really is? I suppose it really doesn't matter - regardless, things are crazy.

I feel like I'm buried under a heap of worries and cares. I keep giving them to God. I keep turning to Him in prayer and casting my burdens on Him, and I keep experiencing His peace. The stress always comes back, though. I know I invite it back by allowing worry in the back door. Father, forgive me and help me to leave it in Your hands.

All I can do is keep walking forward, keeping my eyes fixed on the Author and Perfecter of my faith. All I can do is trust that as I take each step, He is going to show me where to go next. All I can do is fall into His loving arms when I can't take another step and trust Him to carry me down the long road ahead.

Jesus, be the center
Be my source, be my light, Jesus
Jesus, be the center
Be my hope, Be my song, Jesus

Be the fire in my heart
Be the wind in my sails
Be the reason that I live
Jesus, Jesus

Jesus, be my vision
Be my path, Be my guide, Jesus

This song has been on my heart a lot recently. A prayer I have been praying recently has been: "Jesus, I want YOU to be the reason that I live." When I sat down and looked at the lyrics to this song (I was only thinking of the first verse), I found it so interesting that the song and the prayer coincide.

I really do want Jesus to be the reason that I live. Too often, that's not the way I live. He's not the one that brings me joy. He's not the one that I get out of bed for. I don't want it to be that way. I desperately desire and long to have Jesus be the one that puts a smile on my face and gives me a reason to live. I don't want to live for my family, for my job, or a boyfriend (or even a husband). I want to live because Jesus created me and redeemed me and loves me beyond words.

Dear Lord, please become more a part of my day, each day. Please become so all-consuming that You are all I can see. Please teach me to find my joy and purpose in You. Be my everything. Change me. In Jesus' name - Amen.

God in my living
There in my breathing
God in my waking
God in my sleeping

God in my resting
There in my working
God in my thinking
God in my speaking

Be my everything
Be my everything
Be my everything
Be my everything

God in my hoping
There in my dreaming
God in my watching
God in my waiting

God in my laughing
There in my weeping
God in my hurting
God in my healing

Christ in me
Christ in me
Christ in me the hope of glory
You are everything

Christ in me
Christ in me
Christ in me the hope of glory
Be my everything

In theory, trusting God should be so easy. I mean, think about it. God is the creator of the universe. He is sovereign - His will is going to ultimately be accomplished. He will work everything out for the ultimate good for those who love Him and are called according to His purposes. He loves us and has a plan for us that will further His Kingdom and bring Him glory. He calls us to cast our cares on Him and not to worry. It sounds like a pretty good deal. I mean, why should I worry about relationship stuff or where I'm going to live or what job I'm going to have? God's in control and He's gonna make things happen in His timing. And ultimately, this life is about Him and His glory - not me and my happiness.

End of story. So I trust, God works it out. I go where He takes me, and know that in the end, everything is gonna work out just fine. My job is to be faithful (to follow His commandments and where He is leading me) and to love others (with the same love that Christ has lavished upon me). Sounds simple. Am I just making it all more complicated than it needs to be? I think maybe I am. I think maybe I'm just afraid of looking foolish if I trust God with abandon. I mean, what would other people think if I wasn't worried about all that stuff? They'd think I was lazy and a fool. So maybe it's time I learn how to be a fool for Jesus. Maybe it is just that easy.

I ate chicken and mashed potatoes for dinner. I looked at a safari exhibit in Cabela's. I watched a video that Justin made about REACH. I looked at my desktop wallpaper (a picture of me and my favorite little girl in Kenya, Fibi). All of this combined makes me miss Africa so strongly. My heart aches for Kenya. I wish I could go visit and greet all the people that I miss. I never believed anyone when they told me I would miss it. I guess they were right.

On the news this morning I heard a story about a plane crash in Nairobi that killed the pilot and injured two passengers - Americans. It made me a little angry. While I was living in northern Kenya, there was a fatal bus accident that killed and injured many Kenyans and refugees. That didn't make the news. Why does the media care more about Americans? We make a huge deal about someone dying (or being hurt) simply because they are American. What about the hundreds (if not thousands) of people who are dying because of groups like the LRA or because of tribal warfare? Granted, the situation in Uganda with the LRA has gained media attention, but only because thousands of Americans worked to bring it to the forefront. It seems so unfair. Why do we get treated differently - why do we act like we are more important - simply because we are American?

I feel like I should be writing something, but I'm not quite sure what. So, I simply will write. We're almost a week into our family vacation. It's been a lot of fun, and a bit stressful at times. I've seen a lot of the country side. I can't quite comprehend just how much the landscape can vary within just a few hundred miles! I'm also amazed at the vast creativity I see in nature around me. It inspires me and makes me more in awe of God.

Things with God have been going really well. I've been praying more. Conference really gave me the encouragement that I needed. It was wonderful to be able to worship God and not have to worry about being a part of the worship team. The messages were applicable and challenging. I have also been having some good conversations with a friend and that is encouraging me to continue to press into God.

I desperately need alone time. Even as I sit here and type this, Josh and Aaron are bickering back and forth and then Joshua erupts into a nonsensical song. The introverted side of me is starting to make the whole of me feel very shriveled up and frustrated. It's bad news because I start to get much more short-tempered. Yet, if I try to withdraw and recharge, my family gets frustrated and insists on trying to break into my bubble I'm trying to build - which only makes me more irritated. If I try to go have alone time in the lobby or fitness room, mom either sends someone down after me because she's worried about me or tells me how worried she's been while I've been gone when I get back. To tell the truth, I'm feeling a tad bit smothered. I did live on my own for nine months after all - I didn't die then, I don't know why I'd die in the lobby of the hotel. That's beyond the point, though.

All this said, I still want to make it clear that I love my family and am enjoying getting to spend time with them. I don't know if we'll ever take a vacation together as a family like this again. And you never know what's right around the bend - how much more time I will be blessed to have with them. So, I'm trying to shove down the feelings of frustration and irritation - at least for another week. Then I can get a little bit of space.

Something I was thinking about this afternoon was forgiveness. As I am continuing to ensure that I have an attitude of forgiveness toward people who hurt me in Africa (as well as toward people who have hurt me over the years), I wonder just exactly what forgiveness is. During my most recent conversations about it, I was told that forgiveness is a choice. It's not necessarily a feeling, but a decision to not hold that person accountable any longer. It must be extended even when the warm fuzzies are not there. Ok, that's all good and well, and probably true. But as I continue to live this out, I wonder what exactly to continue to do with feelings of betrayal and the pain that people have caused me. Is it really as "easy" as saying, "I'm just not going to worry about it anymore - they're in God's hands."? Or is that avoiding the issue? I guess what I'm wondering is how to ensure that I am healing and experiencing true forgiveness in my heart and not simply an intellectual forgiveness while all the while wounds and bitterness are festering in my heart. I feel like my main problem is that while I'm saying over and over "I forgive so and so," there are wounds and struggles inside me that I am not addressing. I feel like if I try to address those wounds and how much it hurt, then I'm rescinding my forgiveness and back at square one. Maybe that's not the truth, though. At any rate - that's something that's been on my mind a bit recently (along with countless other things).