The fog has officially lifted - whew. A fog is really what it was like... I could feel it descending, at its worst I couldn't see a thing beyond my own misery and pain (selfish. selfish. selfish.) and now, little by little, it has lifted. The world is in focus again and I realized I managed to put on quite a bit of weight in my two week fog. Lovely.

I've been stressed again the past couple days. It's like I'm either down and out emotionally or I'm totally keyed up and fighting off this stress and I have no idea why it's plaguing me. I feel like I'm on the brink of figuring this out, though. I'm learning the patterns my moods go in. I'm learning what's effective (and what's not). I'm going to beat this. I will. Oh, and I'm sure having mini-marathons of 24 helps my stress level a ton - it's such a nice, peaceful show (note sarcasm). ;-) Oh, but I do love Jack Bauer. hehe.

Anyways, don't worry about me. I'm really honestly doing pretty good at the moment (besides being really pissed off at myself for gaining this weight). Putting all my feelings into dramatic and poetic (maybe? or perhaps I should say semi-poetic? or is that giving myself too much credit?) form makes me feel better. So on one hand, it is a very real struggle for me, and on the other, this may make it seem worse than it was. So always take that into consideration as you read these entries.

I'm sitting here reading through various blogs that I subscribe to and working on a logo for a new website I'm working on. My mom has Headline News on in the background. They're currently talking about Edward's affair.

First, off, what a creep! I mean, seriously, he was cheating on his wife who was battling cancer and promising his mistress that he'd marry her after his wife died. Creep. What in the world is the mistress thinking? Doesn't she realize that a guy who is willing to cheat on his wife to be with her won't probably think twice about cheating on her if they get married? Stupidity on both sides.

Anyway, this celebrity focus section of HLN came on and it was saying things like "TV has nothing on real life! This affair is so much more juicy than anything Hollywood can come up with!" They then go on to tell all the gory details. They then compare Edwards' affair to current TV dramas. As they go into all the details of reality and fiction (both having to do with affairs), I just got this terrible feeling that they were glorifying affairs.

It wasn't presented in a negative light (to HLN's credit, now that the normal broadcast is back on, I'm hearing more negative about Edwards) - it almost seemed like they were applauding Edwards' lack of morals (and even beyond morals is simply any compassion he might have had on his wife battling cancer). Disgusting.

I don't want to legislate morality, because I think that's going about things the wrong way. I do want to see change, though. I don't want to live in a society that glorifies affairs, divorce, abortion, etc. I don't want it to be normal and I don't want it to be approved. Yet, I want to find creative ways to make a difference - to change the status quo.

I will not sit back and become resigned to the way our society is. I will not sit back while we let thousands die of hunger each day. I will not sit back while politicians and celebrities are teaching children that it's okay to cheat on your spouse and have sex with whoever you feel like. I will not sit back while we become more and more individualistic and focused on ourselves.

It's just a matter of figuring out how to go about doing something. I don't want to do things the way that evangelicals have been doing things the past several years - because it's not working and I don't think it's a good Biblical model of how things should be done. Jesus changed the world from the bottom up (not the top down) - He didn't go to Caesar and convert him and declare that the whole nation needs to change. He went to the fishermen and the tax collectors and showed them a better way. He changed their hearts - and sent them out to spread the good news of the New Kingdom.

Send me out, Jesus. Send me out to the people in my community - or to the ends of the world. Give me the words to say to tell them of the good news of this upside Kingdom. Give me compassion and love and the wisdom to stand up for what is right without condemnation. Keep me humble, Lord, and as you change me into your likeness, please use me to change this world - from the bottom up.

I am so selfish... How can I be worried about myself?

Turkana Drought

So the exact quote from Vampire Diaries that I mentioned a few entries ago is as follows:

"I'm scared that if I let myself be happy for even one moment that... the world is just going to come crashing down and I don't know if I can survive that."

Another quote from the pilot (which I watched this afternoon) that also really resounded with me:

"Dear diary, I couldn't have been more wrong. I thought that I could smile and nod my way through it, pretend like it would all be okay.

I had a plan. I wanted to change who I was. Create a life with someone new - someone without the past.

Without the pain.

Someone alive.

But it's not that easy. The bad things stay with you.

They follow you.

You can't escape them, as much as you want to.

All you can do is be ready for the good, so when it comes, you invite it in, because you need it. I need it."

I can relate to that character in some ways so much... Her parents died four months earlier, mine didn't (obviously), but I feel like I have the same cloud of sadness hanging over me that she does. I can just feel her pain - I know exactly what it's like to try to pretend everything is okay, but it's not.

You smile and laugh and try to be normal. You know you're not normal - you know that your heart feels like it's bleeding on the inside. Most people don't catch onto what's wrong, but you can't entirely fool them. They know that something about you is different - weird. So they don't treat you like they do other people. They don't take the time to get to know you. So the cycle is perpetuated. More hurt, more sorrow, more pretending.

Why do the bad things stay with me? Why can't I escape them? I've tried... So many times, I've tried. They are always there - just one step behind me. As soon as I am tired of running - of striving to be free - they pounce on me. They bring me down again. I am helpless to do anything but let them have their way with me - they beat me and bruise me until I don't know if I can go on. When they finally leave me, it takes days before I can move again. Then, slowly, somehow, I manage to stand - and I start to run again. And there they are - chasing me. My familiar demons.

Sabotage

Sometimes they're just funny, heartwarming or occasionally a little sad. In addition to that, they really make me think about life. This was one of those. You should go read it (click above).

I feel like I do the exact same thing in my life. It's not something I have noticed much in the past, but it's been something I've been thinking about a lot this past week. How odd that someone would blog about it.

I'd never thought about the reason why I'm sabotaging myself. The following paragraph from Jacob really describes my situation:

"See, I need to feel like I am living my life, instead of my life controlling me. I need to feel like my choices actually do something, that they have the power to affect and improve my life experience. When I begin to feel like I am no longer running things, I do the only thing that emphatically proves that my choices have repercussions: I sabotage. Myself."

I don't think I've ever thought of my unhappiness and my self destructive attitudes and actions as a reaction to feeling out of control (or at least I have never acknowledged a direction connection), but it really is. In high school I hated the fact that I was unable to control where I would be living next month let alone the ability to see and socialize with people my own age. Now I feel out of control to support myself (without a job) and powerless to get a job for the next month and a half (it just jumped up from two weeks to a month and a half). I feel out of control to make relationships. I feel out of control in relating to God on a consistently meaningful level. I feel out of control of my emotions. Consequently, I sabotage myself. At least I can control that, right?

This past week and a half I have found myself eating bad food and drinking non-diet soda like crazy. I know I'm gaining weight. It makes me depressed, yet I continue to eat like crazy. In some odd way, I feel like I'm punishing myself. At least I can be in control of my eating. It has to stop. It's not healthy - physically or psychologically.

I'm not exactly sure where to take this. Is my unhappiness and depression self-inflicted sabotage? Is it something that subconsciously I'm doing to myself? I was doing the over-eating thing several days before I realized consciously what I was doing. Am I making myself miserable and withdrawing from people because I feel like that's what I deserve?

I am so sick and tired of feeling unhappy. I am tired of feeling worthless and disliked. I'm told by people that it's a choice and that people don't view me the way I view myself. If that's true, then why can't I just choose to be happy? If that's true, then why do I get the vibes from people - especially people I went to college with - that they don't like me and don't want to give me the time of day?

Is it really a choice? I get so mad at people when they tell me that. I'm like, seriously, do you think I enjoy living life like this? Do you think I'm intentionally choosing this? But what if they are right? What if I am choosing to live a miserable, self-destructive life? What if I get to the end of my life and see that I wasted it being miserable and assuming the worst of myself and other people?

How does one make a choice? How does one completely switch their view on the world, relationships and the very essence of who they are? The question that haunts me the most - that holds me back - is: What if I give it a wholehearted attempt, only to see that nothing changes and that there's just something inherently wrong with me? Somehow, it feels better to not try and to never know... Yet that brings me back to the question of when I'm old and gray, what will it be like to look back and realize I could have made a choice and had a better life?

I'm either becoming an insomniac or my days and nights are slowly but surely getting switched. I fall into bed anytime after midnight only to find that the second my head hits the pillow, I'm no longer tired. I lay there for a few minutes - sometimes longer than others - before I decide that laying there wide awake is pointless. One night I found an online college that offers two different web design degrees. Another night I read a large chunk of a book I've been reading. One night I watched a disc of season five of the Office. I need to remedy this situation, because it's not a healthy habit to be getting into. I'm getting up early tomorrow to go to the farmer's market, so maybe that will help break the cycle.

My room is in the same state of disarray that it has been for a week. Each night as I'm attempting to fall asleep I give myself a pep talk about all that I will get accomplished the following day. My rating on Asobrain.com for the Xplorers (Settlers of Catan) game has finally gotten out of the negative. Other than that I haven't done a whole bunch. I need to finish sorting all this stuff in my room. I need to take pictures of this box of stuff I want to list on Ebay. I did set up at Etsy.com shop the other day. Now I just need to take pictures and list some of my handmade items. It's so hard for me to be motivated right now.

The date for moving to Florida has gotten pushed back by a month. I'm kind of okay with it - I'm also disappointed. I am glad to get to visit some family friends that I haven't seen in awhile and to get to spend fall break with Aaron, but I'm also ready for a routine and to get settled and I really need money soon. It is what it is, though. Now the moving date is the end of October.

I'm reading a book that a friend suggested - Lies that Young Women Believe. It was suggested earlier this summer and recently I think I've realized that it's something that I really do need to read. As I mentioned in an earlier blog, the lies are hitting me from every direction. There are a lot of lies I believe about myself. I wish the book had focused more on that. How do I believe the truth and get rid of these feelings and thoughts that I have about myself? Ugh, I feel so worthless most days. Even if I can rationally write out a list of positive things about myself, I feel the bad things about myself. I feel the hopeless things. I can only think the positive things. I need to let the Truth control my emotions.

Life is so incredibly difficult and painful and scary. Sometimes I wonder how I'll make it all the way through it. How does anyone?

People always say that crying is okay and to let myself cry, but why does it feel so terrible?

I was watching a tv show last night - Vampire Diaries - and the main character said something along the lines of: I don't want to allow myself to be happy for even one moment, because it will all crash in on me and I don't know how I'd survive. (Or something similar to that). It almost made me cry. That's exactly how I feel. I'm so afraid to hope. I'm so afraid to allow myself to be happy and enjoy life, because inevitably, that happiness is going to fade and hard times will return. I can't stand the crashing. It's easier sometimes to live in the pit of despair than to try to climb out only to find myself sitting on my butt at the bottom of the pit again a few weeks later. I know I can't stay there. I know it - in my head. But how do I get that to my heart and muster up the courage to grab onto hope and pursue hope in my life?

This was a fairly weird progression of thoughts. I was going to keep things lighter tonight. *sigh* oh well.

I was just thinking about life. Life is a very fragile thing. I could be diagnosed with cancer and die next year. I could contract the H1N1 virus/disease and die next month. I could get hit by a car and die tomorrow.

I could live the rest of my life alone and never find the right man. I could marry someone that I don't get along with and fight for the rest of my life. I could marry a wonderful guy but have children who walk away from God.

I could go to college and not be able to find a job. I could pick the wrong college and find out the program wasn't right. I could get too far in debt from student loans.

There are good things that can happen, too, but it's the bad ones that keep me up at night. As I was contemplating this, a thought came to mind that brought me some peace. No matter what happens, no matter how long or short my life, I will always have God. I will have Him today, tomorrow and for the rest of my life. I will have Him beyond my life - into all eternity, thanks to the sacrifice of Jesus, my Savior. God is never going to walk away from me - He is never going to give up on me. He is always going to be there for me. While that doesn't take all the fear away from the future, it definitely provides a peace of mind knowing that I can always take refuge in the Rock.

Lies are raining down on me today. They're all I can hear - all I can see. I feel like I'm shouting words that I know to be the truth, but they're being captured by the wind and blown away before they meet any human ear - even my own.

Another moment.

Another breath.

Another day passed.

I find relief in this simple fact. Time moves on, despite the circumstances in my life. Life will continue. To everything there is a season. One day my season will change. Until then...

Another moment.

Another breath.

Another day passed.

I was thinking about Kenya this morning (which I often do) and it just hit me. It feel like Kenya isn't even real. People said this would happen, but it's the first time it hit me. I was thinking of Solo and the way that he would laugh and talk to us and all the sweet little things he did for us. And all of a sudden it felt like maybe, just maybe, he wasn't real. What in the world? Of course he was real. I spent five and a half months in Kenya. Yet somehow, it's starting to feel like some make-believe world that I lived in for awhile, but now the book has ended and it's time to leave it all behind. It's not some novel - Twilight, Lord of the Rings or Harry Potter. They are real people, with real joys, real sorrows, in a real place. They are real friends.

With every passing day I want to go back more badly. Every passing day I think a little more that God is calling me back. Crazy. Exciting. I hope it works out somehow. Which, if God is in control, I know it will.

My heart aches tonight. I hate making decisions that wound other people. I hate my own selfishness and I hate my emotions. I'm left with feeling terrible and feeling helpless to do anything to make the situation better for anyone. Father, save me.

You know I ran across an old box of letters
While I was bagging up some clothes for Goodwill
But you Know I had to laugh that the same old
    struggles
That plagued me then are plaguing me still
I know the road is long from the ground to glory
But a boy can hope he's getting some place
But you see, I'm running from the very clothes I'm wearing
And dressed like this I'm fit for the chase

'Cause no, there is none righteous
Not one who understands
There is none who seek God
No not one, I said no not one

So I am thankful that I'm incapable
Of doing any good on my own

- Thankful by Caedmon's Call

I found these lyrics appropriate on several levels today. I spent hours at my storage unit sorting through all of my earthly possessions. I'm about halfway done. I have a big pile of things that I'm boxing up to take to Goodwill later this week. I also found a box of old letters (goodness, I saved almost every letter I've ever received). It's quite the process and brings back so many memories as I read through them and decide which ones I want to put back into that box and which ones should be let go of. Today my favorite find on the letter front was many large, manila envelopes decorated by my best friend, Jody. She used to send me a magazines (that we authored ourselves) and extremely long letters in those envelopes during our high school days. It made me smile. They went back into the box of "keepers".

I also can relate so much to the line "But you Know I had to laugh that the same old struggles that plagued me then are plaguing me still." Man. I have long found these lines applicable to my life - eerily true. I am struck again by the truthfulness of them tonight. Last night I had a conversation with a good friend and I was told that I have to let go. I have to let go of my fear, of my pain, of my hurt, of my shame, of my bitterness. It took me back to REACH DTS where I let go of many past hurts. It took me back to the process of accepting the forgiveness that Christ is (or would it be has?) extending to me (a more accurate and Biblical way of saying "forgiving myself"). It took me back to that night in Lodwar where I was wounded and betrayed in a way that I had never experienced before. It took me back to long conversations with Allyah about letting go of the bitterness. It took me back to that last night in Mombasa where my team shared strengths and weaknesses before flying home. It took me back to the anger and frustration as one by one my teammates all said a similar thing: "You need to let go of your bitterness." "You need to forgive." It took me back to Zach saying that I need to give people the grace to suck and mess up. It's all true. Every last bit of it.

I still struggle to forgive. I still struggle to allow people the grace to "suck" and hurt me and fall short of perfection. I still struggle to accept Christ's forgiveness. I carry it all around like a burden. No wonder I'm so tired all the time. I give it to Christ sometimes. It's wonderful for a few days - I remember those few weeks during DTS after I gave it all to Christ. I have never, ever felt like that before in my life. I was FREE. Blessedly free. A few weeks later, it all came crashing back. The pain, the shame, the struggles, the self-condemnation. I was angry. What happened? I sure didn't go looking for it - I was ecstatic to be free of the burden. Why did God let it come back into my life? I think I still struggle with that question. Maybe that's why I'm so hesitant to try to give it to God and let it all go again. I did that once wholeheartedly and it came back. Isn't it easier to just keep living under this burden than to have it taken away only to fall back on my shoulders a few weeks later? I want to be free. I want to trust Christ. My experiences hold me back. What to do? Unfortunately I don't have any answers tonight. I guess I'll keep praying about it and keep struggling until this gets resolved. Prayers would be appreciated. Also, any suggestions or comments you have about this struggle and the question (Why did God let all the freedom I felt in Christ leave my life after only a few weeks) would be welcome.

It always amazes me - when I really, truly bring my worries and anxieties before Jesus, I find peace. True and deep peace. Yet so often, into His arms is the last place I run. What a truly foolish person I can be sometimes.

Father, teach me to run to You and to cast my cares upon You before turning to anyone else. Forgive me when I fail. Amen.

Now I shall sleep with a smile on my face and peace in my heart.

Today I found myself making a dessert I have made many times, starting in high school. It's a delicious recipe for Sour Cream Apple Bars. The first couple times I made the recipe, I did the math wrong and doubled the butter. Once my mistake was discovered, everyone decided they liked it that way better. So I guess it's kind of my recipe now. I was mindlessly going through the motions of mixing the batter together. Things started to get interesting when I started cutting the apples.

The recipe called for "finely chopped" apples. So I started cutting the apples in a way that I was quite familiar with - slice the apple long ways, turn them on their side and slice them long ways three or four more times, then chop them down the length. This leaves you with teeny-tiny little apple pieces. I cut up half an apple before I realized what I was doing. I was following the silly little diagram from camp.

See, I worked in a camp kitchen for two years. We had this amazing recipe for tuna salad that called for finely chopped apples and celery. The head cook had drawn out diagrams of how she wanted them chopped. It took forever. It was quite the day we decided to do things our way and use the food processor. We got a very pointed look and a good talking to when we were discovered! Remembering this made me smile. We were always trying to get away with things and push the limits that year. Brown sugar, anyone?

I then remembered cutting up forty apples or so for lunch at camp that same year. I actually enjoyed the challenge of forty green apples bobbing along in a sink and a limited amount of time to get them all cut into eighths (and peanut butter scooped into souffle cups). It made me think of the time that Aaron was cutting apples with me and somehow the knife slipped and, whoo, there was a lot of blood! It seriously squirted over five feet, probably closer to ten. I have never seen blood squirt that far. I found the whole thing rather hilarious, other than the fact that Aaron was hurt. Thankfully, his finger recovered and there really wasn't any blood on the apples.

My thoughts turned to the apple orchard where we bought the apples. We've been going there since I was in high school. I remembered all the amazing caramel apples we've eaten from there and how much I love going to the orchard. I thought of the Highland Festival we went to one year and all the cool displays and shops that were set up for that weekend.

A memory of standing in the SEND House kitchen came to me. I was standing in front of the built in trash can, eating apple peels. I don't really remember who was with me, but I'm guessing Amanda was there, because I highly doubt I would have started eating apple peels on my own volition. However, now I eat the peels sometimes when I peel an apple. It's quite tasty.

I thought of Kenya (it always seems to come back to Kenya anymore). I remembered how amazing the apples tasted when I splurged those two times and bought them. Mmmm. Ah, crisp, amazing flavor. They were small, but they were so delicious. They reminded me of home and of my favorite time of year.

So many memories, over so many years - all brought to mind by cutting up an apple.

September first... already? When did that happen? Time is moving a long so quickly - I almost don't even notice its passing. As I drove home yesterday, I admired the trees. I could tell autumn was on the way. A few trees were still brilliantly green, but there was the occasional tree or leaf that had a tell-tale orange or red hue. More subtle, but even more telling to me, was the overall color of green on the majority of the trees. It was starting to lose its crispness. It no longer was a green so brilliant that it took your breath away. Instead, it was starting to grow dull and move toward a darker, less vibrant green. Soon they shall all grow to be red or yellow or brown. The process fascinates me. Oh how I love everything about autumn. I've already gotten my first batch of apples from the orchard. This next month will be full of fresh apples and the occasional trip to the orchard to secure a caramel apple. I love the way the air feels and smells this time of year. It's bound to make me shiver more than usual with my body thermometer being so off, but still I look forward to it. Ah, to be able to be all wrapped up in scarves and sweaters and coats and walk down the street and take in the beauty of the earth - God's creation.