Life is going well again. I no longer feel any over-arching animosity toward God. I've worked through a lot of my fears and doubts and anger from the past. It was one of those times where you know how you should feel and what you should think, but your emotions just don't line up with what you know. I'm so glad that God is big enough to handle my anger and doubt.

Despite leaving that behind (for now), I still don't feel that closeness that I long for. I don't feel like God is my best friend and I don't feel like I must spend time with Him or my world is going to come to an end. I have had times like that before in my life, and I miss them. I miss being able to feel the presence of God throughout my day and I miss feeling the emotional part of love for Him. I know that this is for a reason, and it's very possibly for the reason of maturing my faith. I want to be at a point where I can have these dry seasons of life and still cling to God - still spend time with Him and be joyful. I'm not there yet.

I honestly don't even know how to get there. I guess I'll keep plugging along. I'll keep praying and keep searching and trusting that God is guiding me even when I don't feel Him. He has a way of doing that.

Change of topic... I have been thinking a lot the past couple days about what I want my life to look like. Do I want to be a missionary is some far-off country? Do I want to live in America and have the big house and easy life? Do I want to be a web designer? A teacher? A waitress? I honestly have no idea. There is that one part of me that of course longs for the easy life and for all the money and possessions that I could lay my hands on. Then there's the larger part of me that cringes at the idea. I don't want to chase after the American Dream. Really, I don't. I honestly think I'd rather live in a small house with close friends and family around and with a loving immediate family. I'd rather give the extra that I have to help people who need help - whether that be in Africa or my own neighborhood. Money and possessions will not bring fulfillment. Chasing after money and possessions will only leave me in debt and frustrated. Giving away money and possessions leaves me feeling light at heart and good knowing that I helped another in a time of need.

I don't know what I want to do for a profession. Ideally, I'd love to have a job where I can stay home with my future children. I'm not sure what would readily lend itself to that. More and more in our culture, I see families where both parents simply have to work full-time to be able to pay the bills. I wonder, is that the way it has to be regardless? Has the cost of living risen so much that nowadays it's nearly impossible to have a family where a mother stays home (unless the father has a job as a brain surgeon or something like that)? Or is it possible if a family lives within their means, even if that means giving up some of the conveniences that people around them may have? I don't know. I don't know if I'm even going to be able to figure this out until I'm in the middle of it someday. Do I need to figure it out now? I want to figure it out now.

Isn't that so typical? I always want to know what the next thing is. I'm thinking ahead as soon as whatever I've been waiting for arrives. I want to live in the moment. I want to soak in the joy and the newness of each situation. I don't want to worry about the future. The fact of the matter is that I'm never going to know what's going on, really. Each new day can bring a host of unexpected events. I need to be okay with that. So, I'm working on it.

Those are my ramblings for today.

PS. I lost NaNoWriMo (not officially yet, but I will in two days or so). Sad day.

Sometimes I wonder if I should be a writer. I've received a lot of compliments on the article I wrote for the Indiana Association of Home Educators. My parents just read it and both really liked it. I wonder if they liked it because they have an emotional tie to me or whether it's because it's actually good writing. Several people from church mentioned that they liked it. So did the person who asked me to write it.

I enjoy writing. I love crafting an article or paper that has a point. I love developing the paragraphs and figuring out ways to tie together my main points into one cohesive argument. I love making something that has potential to be mundane and normal into something that is beautiful and artsy.

I also enjoy being able to share what's on my heart with people. I think that's one of the reasons I enjoy blogging so much. I feel so much lighter when I've shared what I'm thinking and feeling with the world.

Today I feel almost mournful. I have no idea why - not really, anyway. Perhaps it's because I only got about four hours of sleep last night. Perhaps because I'm finally beginning to get overwhelmed with all that is new in my life. It has all happened so quickly. I am thankful and I like it, but I think it's catching up with me, regardless. I had such a wonderful morning. I should get some rest, spend some extra time in prayer and in the Word and trust that God is leading and guiding me. How comforting it is to know that we are never beyond the reach of God's hands.

I am seriously overwhelmed by the goodness of God right now. Never in a million years would I have expected life to be going so well. Not even in my wildest day dreams... God blew all my expectations out of the water. It's my second Sunday in Florida. I've found a church & wholeheartedly agree with their vision. They're friendly people who are excited about God and life. I honestly have a group of friends that I can hang out with. I have hung out with them a lot in the past week. Today I got to feel like part of the group by helping with tear down (which brought back quite a few memories from my Salt & Light days) and then we all went out to lunch. It was awesome. I don't really know what else to say. So I'll just say it again: I am overwhelmed by the goodness of God.

So, I am now basically about on target with the word count for my novel, which I suppose is better than behind, but I haven't written more than 3,000 words since I've been in Florida! My arguments are that I've been busier than usual, I've been fighting off some type of sickness and I've actually been hanging out with people regularly which makes me feel a lot less driven to write. Which is okay - I'm happy to make the trade of motivation for a social life. However, I need to get some discipline. Seriously! I can't have gotten this far only to let my story shrivel and die. Never!

I went to see 2012 this evening. I was pretty skeptical about it. I really enjoyed it, though. It definitely kept me on the edge of my seat the entire movie - which is fairly rare.

I want to write more, but I'm tired enough that my brain is ceasing to function correctly. Goodnight, world.

I was reading this evening and came across something in my book that made me laugh:

"If you've ever stood with us Africans at airports or bus depots, you know we're never good with lines. What if we miss something?"

The author's father then proceeded to push his way to the front of the line. I smile and nod. It's very true.

I'm in Florida now. It's been a roller coaster. I'm thinking about so many things right now I don't even know where to begin. So, I don't think I will.

I'm still ahead in NaNoWriMo, but I'm slacking off. If I don't get with the program, I'm not going to hit 50k by the end of the month. Which would be more than a little ridiculous after being so far ahead the first week and a half.

I don't think I understand me most of the time. This is unfortunate. The end.

While procrastinating this evening I made a banner for my novel.

I hit 25k. Over half way to the word count goal. Maybe a quarter of the way into my story.

NaNoWriMo Word Count Meter from Write or Die

Okay, so I feel like I need to clarify my Christianity/church rant from yesterday. This by no means is any reflection on how I feel toward the two churches that I have been involved with over the past two years. Both Agape and BBMC are full of amazing, godly people who are concerned about serving Christ and being involved in the community. Both of my church families are being faithful to be the hands and feet of Christ in their own way. I have been shaped spiritually and encouraged so much by people from each congregation. I am not fed up with those congregations.

I was more referring toward the church in America as a whole, and the attitude of Christianity in America as a whole. So self-centered. So greedy. So hypocritical. We twist Scripture to serve our own agendas and life styles, never allowing ourselves to be changed by the Truth. I think a great majority of Christians, including myself, are touched by these attitudes. We are individualistic and so capitalistic - which ends up feeding our selfishness and fueling our reasons to put the downtrodden even further away.

What happened to us grieving with those who have lost a family member in Africa because of the drought? What happened to us praying regularly for those imprisoned in areas hostile to Christians (whether that be somewhere in Asia, Africa,the Middle East, or somewhere else entirely). What happened to caring for the orphan, the widow, the refugee? Even if we say we care about those people, what does our time, thought life and money show that we care about? In my life the answer is: entertainment, comfort, myself. Unfortunately, I know I'm not the only one. I'm ashamed for myself and for all my brothers and sisters in this country who have the same warped priorities.

Today has not been a good day for writing. I've had a killer headache since about two o'clock this afternoon. It's nine now and just starting to subside. It has made it very hard to think. I also am just not quite feeling it today. My plot seems stuck. I want to move things along, but I feel like the plot needs to keep being at a plateau in order for the characters to get developed enough to make the crisis emotional and meaningful enough. Ugh. I finally managed to write my minimum 1,667 words. I think I also managed to do a lot of character development in those words, as well as introduce some conflict, albeit not the major conflict. That will hopefully come within the next 10,000 words. That's my goal. I just hit 20,000! That makes me want to party. This is the farthest I've gotten in NaNoWriMo since I won back in 2003. I got stuck the last year I did it (2007) at around 15,000 words. Onward to victory!

My room is oddly empty. I don't like it. It makes me feel unsettled. Moving makes me feel unsettled. I really hate new starts. I really hate change. I'm looking forward to it, but it makes me feel anxious. It's weird how there are both sides to the situation.

I am torn. So torn these days. How do I juggle living in America and being responsible with what I have after my new knowledge of the world? How do I let it affect me? How do I keep from being selfish and greedy?

I've been having some good conversations with God at night before I fall asleep. I'm glad. I think in a lot of ways I am completely fed up with religion - including Christianity. It was good for me to realize this and to realize that I am not fed up with God. Jesus is still my Lord and Savior. I can still worship Him. Now, when I say I am fed up with Christianity I am not saying that I am becoming something other than a Christian. I simply mean I am fed up with the lifestyle and mindset of so many people who claim to be Christians. I am tired of getting caught up in it. I want something fresh and relevant and something that is making a difference.

I could tell you about some of the events of my day, but after divulging those thoughts, I think I shall refrain. Let's suffice it to say that it was a good day, but as usual, I have a lot of internal conflicts and questions.

NaNoWriMo Word Count Meter from Write or Die

Okay, so, yeah, this blog should be retitled for the month. I'm not sure what the new title would be, but it would include some of the following words/phrases: NaNoWriMo, insanity, I'm going to spend more time with my fictional main character than any living human being this month, 50,000 words... Despite all the insanity and how the novel has slightly taken over my life, I am finding that I absolutely am loving writing this book. I had forgotten how much I love writing fiction. This is still the most dynamic story I have told yet, and it's coming along the best by far.

You have to love unexpected romance. I was planning on having my main character just sort of have this thing with some guy before she headed off to Africa. But as I wrote their scenes together and developed their personalities and dialog, I realized that they were going to be much more than a little something. I like the dimension it's going to add to the story when tragedy strikes, and I think it will help tie things together in the end.

I could do this for a living. If only I was good enough... Hm...

This year my two writing soundtracks of choice are the Glee Cast songs from iTunes and The Original Cast Recording of Wicked. This morning I had "Can't Fight This Feeling Anymore" on repeat. It was perfect for the first romantic scene I was writing. It takes place in a state park (my inspiration for the scenery was John Bryan park in Ohio). Oh and don't worry, my romance scenes aren't trashy or anything - I keep those scenes PG. Just in case you were wondering.

REAL LIFE UPDATE:: I think we are actually going to move on Monday - hoorah! The only unfortunate thing about all of this is that I'm going to lose two days of writing time. I guess I could try to write in the hotel at night if I'm not too tired. Since I'm going to be doing half the driving, though, I probably can't stay up until all hours of the night crafting my story. We're filled up about three quarters of our trailer. We still have quite a bit of stuff to fit in, but I'm hoping we'll make it. I really need to pull the remainder of my stuff together. I really am tired of moving. I can't wait until I one day get my own apartment and can set up residence permanently.

I would much prefer to stay here at my trusty keyboard and keep writing, but alas, empty boxes and piles of possessions are calling my name.

NaNoWriMo Word Count Meter from Write or Die

It's been two years since I've been enrolled in a college. I think up until this week I had forgotten about what an expert I am at procrastinating. I'm working on my NaNoWriMo novel and I am getting more reading of blogs and news articles done than I have in the past few months. It's not that I don't want to write. I am really enjoying the process of writing and the goal that I am working toward, but I just have a process of getting things done and it most definitely includes procrastination. Even writing here is another form of procrastination. In my last entry I presented the possibility that I may not blog much this month. I'm beginning to wonder if it's going to end up being the exact opposite. Maybe I will hit a record number of blog entries as I am working on procrastinating while writing my novel. No matter. Procrastination is a art that needs to be perfected. I plan on having it perfected by the end of this month.

An interesting phenomenon is happening this year as I write my novel. My main characters are never strangers to tragedy and sorrow. It's easy for me to write about bad things happening to my characters. I usually find some morbid release in it. This year, though, I really like my character. She's becoming my friend and I really hate the fact that I need tragedy to strike her life to get her to another country. I'm even finding myself picking up some of her confident personality characteristics. I find myself brooding over her life and her thoughts and plotting where I'm going to take her next as I fall asleep. Weird. I've never had a hard time making bad things happen to my characters before, but I'm actually dreading writing the scene and the scenes that will follow as she struggles to claw her way out of the hole of despair that she is going to fall into. It's such an unusual feeling to care about characters that I have created. I usually get attached to characters that other people create, but my own? That's never happened before. I'm looking forward to seeing where all this takes me.

NaNoWriMo Word Count: 11,398

Seeing as how NaNoWriMo has begun, I doubt that I will spend many of my words on here this month. Who knows, though. Maybe I will need a break from the marathon of fiction writing. I'm seriously hoping that by the end of this month I will have 50,000 words and a story that is at least 2/3 of the way complete. Even more than hitting 50,000 words, my goal this month is to create a story and actually put an ending on it. It will be the first time in my life that I will have managed to put an ending on a work of fiction if I succeed. Usually I just leave my poor little works of fiction hanging. This time, though, I at least have a conflict that needs to be resolved, if not a hard and fast plot. So that will hopefully help me come to an ending.

I finished listening to Kiss by Ted Dekker today. I really enjoyed that book. I also finished Scared by Tom Davis. It's not overly literary in style, but it's a good story and deals with some very real and hard topics. I have two or three chapters left in the Poisonwood Bible. I started The Boy Who Harnessed the Wind. I'm excited to read that book.

I think I realized today that I am far too cynical for my own good. I really don't want to be cynical, but I feel like my experiences in this life have left me jaded. I'm lacking that hope and faith that should be characteristic of a follower of Christ. It's so easy to lose hold of the hope when I look around and see all the hopelessness, despair and injustice in the world around us.

I had a good weekend up in Indianapolis. My cousin and I went wedding dress shopping (for her) and had a lot of fun. We also went and had our eyebrows threaded. What an experience. The right eye was fine - almost no pain. Whew, the left one was excruciating! I thought I might throw up it hurt so bad. It worked really well, though, and only took a few minutes. It was cheaper than waxing, too. I'll probably do it again. It's such an intriguing process. I'd love to learn how to do it.

Anyway, the moving date has been postponed until Monday. So I'm still chilling here in the north.

NaNoWriMo word count: 7,532