I've been thinking a lot recently about my life. I'm not overly happy with where I'm at. In the past, this has been problematic, but not overly so. I always had the mentality that things would be better once I was "grown up". Once I graduated from college, once I got back from Africa, once I got a job... Things were supposed to get better. Life was supposed to "start". Now I find myself thinking "once I start dating again", "once I get married", "once I get placed in a permanent position at work that I enjoy more". The realization hit me the other day, however - life is now. I'm 23... It may not be that old in the grand scheme of things... But still, 23! Quite possibly a quarter of my life is over. Once I start dating again, once I get married (if I ever do), once I get a permanent job that I may or may not enjoy, I'm only going to be looking forward to the next thing. Before I know it, I will have spent my entire life looking forward to my life starting and all of a sudden it will be over. Suddenly, not being happy with where I'm at in life is a huge problem. This is my life. Like it or not, I have one shot at it and this is where I'm at.

So how do I seize the day? Carpe diem? What does this look like through the eyes of a brokenhearted and disillusioned girl stuck in a job that she doesn't like? Changes are on the horizon, and for that I'm grateful, however, I know myself. I'm going to be no happier once things change. It will be just another thing I'm longing for and saying "if only I could have that then I would be happy!"

Some friends and I were discussing our lives and whether or not we are a good example of Christ to those around us. What kind of legacy are we leaving? I had to fight off tears. I'm a broken person wandering through a messed up life. I'm short-tempered and selfish and full of negativity. What type of Christ-like-ness is there in me? I have a heart that thinks like Christ sometimes - I care so much about people and I long to do the right thing - but it never turns out right. I say something to mess it up or I lose my temper or just do something incredibly selfish. I focus on the negative and on the worldly things. I can't see beyond my current problems and pains and I all but drown in them.

So again, how do I seize the day? How do I show Christ to my co-workers and to my friends and to my family? How do I live like Christ when all I can manage to think about is how I feel at the moment? When I'm feeling good, I'm flying high and thinking about how wonderful life is. When I'm feeling bad, it's all I can do to drag myself through the motions of the day. How do I focus on spiritual things? How do I keep my eyes on Jesus? How do I let myself go? How do I make decisions that are based on being like Christ and not on what makes me feel good and is something that I would enjoy? And how do you know if taking joy is okay or if you're putting too much emphasis on the joy and not enough on Christ?

A lot of questions. Few answers.

Every time I sit down to write, I'm left with the overwhelming feeling that I shouldn't write anymore. I'm not sure why this is. I do want to write. Writing helps me release everything churning inside me and it helps me to make sense of this mess of a life that I live. I think the reason I'm less inclined to write is because in the past, writing has always been about honesty. It's been one place I could coherently express what I was thinking and feeling. Now, I'm less likely to be honest with people.

I always loved the fact that I was honest with people - I would share my deepest thoughts and fears and I let people know what I was thinking. However, over the years, time and time again, I've been hurt and rejected for being honest. Recently I was delivered the final blow and it finally happened - I no longer want to be open. I no longer trust people. I now wholeheartedly believe that if I let people see what's really going on inside of me, they'll leave me because I'm too much work. I'm too messed up. I don't want to open up to tell people how badly I'm hurting, how afraid I really am. How lonely I am, how much it hurts. I don't trust people anymore. Who really wants to hear about how messed up I am anyway?

So I have this dilemma. The part of me that always loved being honest longs to spill it all out and to tell people how I'm feeling - to give them a window into my soul. Then there is the part of me that is broken and bruised, seemingly beyond recovery. It's the part that's been trampled on and rejected and betrayed. That part holds me back. Even when I have a listening ear, words don't come anymore. I'm left trying to guard myself - to save myself from further rejection and betrayal. How can I live life this way? How do I go through life not being honest about how I'm doing or what I'm feeling? On the other hand, how do I go through life being honest? It's too dangerous and it hurts too much.